Hey everyone :) finally the sun has made an appearance :) enjoy it while it lasts :)
So I'm sitting here procrastinating about life and I just wanted to write a kind of follow up post from my depression and anxiety one! Iv been feeling a. Little out of sorts lately and I just feel if I write it down it might help a little bit ! Writing that last post made me feel so many different emotions, it was a little overwhelming but I am so happy I done it because I got such a positive response from people and I got mails from people telling me their stories too which is just fantastic to have people speak out about depression and anxiety! These are real problems that people have to deal with in their every day life including myself!
So where am I at today? So I am now on 15mg lexapro which I told you all about in that last post, i feel like it's working to a certain extent! But just lately im feeling a little bit all over the place! It's quite hard to describe how I'm feeling because that's the problem... I'm feeling kinda numb! Does this sound normal to any of you? Like kind of hard to recognise certain emotionsc!
Like if I'm at a function I feel so out of place and uncomfortable! As if people are just talking about me or looking at me ! I know as I write this that they have better things to be doing than looking at me or talking about me but that little negative voice in my head really makes me believe that they are! I get so self conscious and I end up going in to panic mode! I get blurry vision, I start sweating, my stomach goes In to a knot, I can't hear properly and I find it hard to catch my breath! All this happens while everyone around me is enjoying their meal or drinks or whatever it is we are doing! And nobody notices that it's even happening which is crazy!!! Like people often say to me Ya wouldn't think you thought that way you seem so laid back and funny etc, while I don't perceive anything I feel on the outside it's all happening inside me! And I hate it ! I feel self conscious about everything, how my lips move when I talk, how my voice sounds , how I look when I walk, how my hair sits, what my make up is like! My brain never shuts off and not in a good way! In the most negative way! I feel bad if I take a compliment, I know most Irish people do, it's nearly part of our culture at this stage, but I really need to point out a flaw or 10 with every compliment I get! "you look great" someone might say "oh god iv put on like 5lbs and my skins so bad" Id reply with something similar, when all I could say is thank you! Crazy isn't it!!!
I'm not saying I don't feel happy, I do im happy for all the people in my life and eveything I have! I'm extremely grateful! But at times I think it's too good to be true! Like having lucy was the most successful thing I have achieved in my life and she always will be, even if I become the top of my work or college, she will always be my greatest achievement in life! (As well as my other future kids of course) but then the little voice pops up and says "why did u have such a perfect child" "how did you deserve her" "what did u ever do to achieve such greatness" and I ask myself those questions on a Daily basis and in all honestly I cannot answer them! Which is sad because I know deep down there is an answer, maybe I'm just not at that comfortable stage with myself to answer it!
I really think I was an onion in a past life!!!!! There's so many layers to me that I can't even begin to count ha! God love my boyfriend, family and friends for putting up with it! I don't think they know half of it to be honest! I don't think I could lay my soul bare like that on them! It would be too much for them to take in and they might disown me haha!!
Does life really have to be as complicated as we make it out to be!? Like I can't imagine ever leaving the house out of fear that I won't crash the car or some other disaster is going to happen that I made up in my head!! Thank god that hasn't been the case..... Yet.... See there it is!!! It's a living nightmare really isn't it ! Imagine I spend most of my time hoping nothing bad happens when I could just embrace the fact nothing bad is happening ! But yet I don't want to take anything for granted, I don't want to be the one the finger is pointed at if God forbid something did happen! It's bloody madness how the mind works! It's unfair really! I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to negativity! But a part of me is afraid to change that in case it changes something in my life for the worst!! Does what im saying even make sense to anyone? I hope it does lol!
So I hope this post has made sense to some of you! I am in a far better place than I was this time last year.. So there is a positive out of a bad situation! I guess when you suffer from a mental illness such as depression and anxiety it really does help you to appreciate the good in your life, as in you don't want to lose that good so you cherish it and keep it as safe as you can! Maybe one day I'll be able to leave the house without fear of dying lol! Or bring lucy to a swimming lesson without thinking tragedy will strike!!! Some day :)
So I'm Gonna leave it there my lovely people !Please leave you own experiences below or on any of my social media sites linked below :)
Thanks for stopping by!
Until next time
Lots of love